Friday we didn't really do school- went to gym, went to the library, had a fun time- had pizza then we came home and packed for Bear Lake. I was having a tough time. Travis texted me and though I wasn't positive it was him I looked up the area code and sure enough it was Oregon. Alll these thoughts of why didn't my parents teach me to date better, I could have become something great, why didn't they read to me and teach me about....whatever! Soo many regrets. Soo much tention and it was making me crazy, I wasn't sure what to do, it was just a storm inside. I wanted to check into a counselor, or write Travis a long letter about how he had slighted me and to tell him not to write me again, and yet feeling like I still wish I could save him, sadness for his choices, and yet certainly contact was not a good option, and I didn't want to tell Adam b/c I don't want to break his heart and maybe I could schedule a private interview with a stake presidency member, just this crazy storm raging inside me over a text that said callin baton rouge! We went to Bear lake early Sat. morning, I was grumpy and blamed it on packing or anticipating that Adam would be grumpy ( that's funny- I'm mad b/c I know you're going to be a jerk- I'm just anticipating it and acting mad now to get all ready :) nice) But we went at 7 am, adam stopped to look at a roof, he brought the boat, which I had no goo favor towards but didn't care I just didn't want to mess with it. And we get there and I'm grumpy about the sand and it's cold and, and, and.but somewhere in there I went on a loooooooong walk with Maril and I'm so glad for her friendship. She listens, she has soo much to offer, she's calm and peaceful and says things with a pure heart. She's my best friend beside Adam. I can't believe I was so lucky to have a sister who is such a loving and loya support to me. We have mused lately about how our conversations have changed from budgets and ecor to education and literature and tradtions and testimopny. It has been so sweet. I feel the Lord guiding my life and I love it. I love my sacred grove mornings, I love homeschool, the schedule that is flexible and non-competitive, the time with my babies, the lve, laighter, hard work, alll of it. I feel like I live in a dream world of peace and joy overflowing. I thought it would end as all blissful times seem to but it hasn't. Adam and I are still best friends. It has been a long time now and I thought for sure we'd fall out of grwace with each other but we are still kissing goodbye and praying together and we embrace in sweetness oftern and he organizes my laundry for me and does many a batch of dishes and I feel his love so strongly I'm sort of in disbelief over it all. Like I'm standing back and watching my life and just have this huge wow about it all. I love it. I can't believe it. Anyway, Maril and I walk, she reminds me that a letter to Travis will never help. Change your # she says, you would never play with a needle infected with aids, and Travis is poison. I told her that part and she said stay away with poison. Of course. It made perfect sense when she said it and not a big deal today but it was amazing the energy, the temptation, the power of Satn was in that text. It was destoying my peace! And so I talked and talked and talked it over with Maril and it just seemed like all the regrets I have felt were sallied together against me that day and it heped so much to chat and say stay away forever. So I decided to wait to tell adam I wanted to change my # and we had a fun time on the beach, food and sand and I did NOT get Jena enought sunblock and she got FRIED! Oh i feel bad about that. it's tuesday and she still can hardly wear clothes. Anywho, we packed up, headed for shaved ice and Maril's campground, they brought our golf cart! We didn't have ramps to load it with and so we broke the tail gate and some of Jacques' trailer lights trying to and then we headed home. Didn't get there til 2 am, NEVER want to do that again. Ever! But we did.
Sunday- I got up at 6 to get dinner ready and make a jello salad for a luncheon i was going to miss and b/c Sal and family were coming over- they stayed at Lava and came up for lunch. And I was playing the organ and the songs were tough (i know just hymns but there were some tricky ones! :) That experience reminds me that where there is a will there's a way- I would have thought I could not function having gotten so little sleep but I was determined not to destroy the hymns in chirch and I needed to prepare so I got up! I did it! I'm not a slave to my body! Anywho, it went great, practiced primary program songs alll primary, just had a ball. I really love me calling! I would have never thought that but I do. 2 sundays ago i was talking to Ariana- did I write this already- and said I'd like to lobby for organist and then I lead a song and looked out at my kids and thought if someone came after me that didn't love these kids and didn't make it fun and help them to learn and feel and love the gospel it would make me so sad. I felt the need of my Father to do my best and that my little contribution to the primary wa sa big deal. Loved that experience. So the Holloways came, we chatted, ate, talked about Todd's new business, Sal's books, kids, the wind was AMAZING! Sustained 20 mile and hour winds. The kids got on razor scooters and let the wind push them from the culdesac to the elk and Adam would pick them up from the elk in the golf cart and haul them back. It was super fun. Until sweet little Ellie tried it, it was too much for her, and she started acting silly and just ate it, slid on her face for a long time adam said- I was just watching from the garage. Anywho, bandaged her up, helped her get to bed, didn't think about having her stay up b/c she had a concussion but she did- spent the day throwing up and lounging. Sal and I took a look at my classics bookshelf and she said oh mom read that to me, oh i love this one, mom read that to me too, oh.....so my regrets were deepened a little and then I understood also. Mom DID read the classics. But then she taught piano so she could keep 11 of us in her home....she is amazing. How dare I feel slighted. I could have dome something myself and I didn't. And the real truth is it doesn't matter. I think Sat. night in bed Adam asked me if there was something up b/c he felt there was a wedge between us I said there was but I didn't want to tell him b/c I thought he'd be mad and I didn't do anythnign wrong. He said I won't be mad I just want to be able to trust you. I told him I wanted to change my number and that Travis texted me, I only responded who is this and he never replied and how my regrest had all surfaced and turns out Adam saw the text when it came in b/c he helps me keep my phone charged and when he turned it on the text showed right up....anywho, he wasn't mad and then next day was so lovely, we were close as ever, entertained, relaxed enjoyed. And a bunch of Simmons' came over. Steve and Jannie and Bec and Nate and Lu Anne and Michelle. It was so fun! Chat and laugh, see baby Ethan. I asked Michelle if she was happy and the response was sad. I don't know her wel but I've always enjoyed michelle. I wan her dreams to come true. For her to be able to stay hom eif that's what she wants... Steve and Jannie told us about Oprah's show about not texting or talking while driving and we're so glad they did. We watched it Mon moring and it was life changing. Super sad to to end a life b/c of a phone distraction.
Monday- Brittany came over for some yoga but mostly I talked my heart out to her and she listened and advised . She told me how some folks burn their struggles and then they are gone! After breakfast, Adam and I talked for a bit as we tidied up the kitchen about regrets and experiences and I finally came to understand that the truth is they don't matter. I can't change them. You can look at things in the past for learning and to help change how you will act in the future but Debbie Madsen said in the past I did the best i knew. Now that I know better, I do better. The best you can is all you can do and if you screwed it all up, the best you can and alll God asks is that you repent, re-TURN to God, learn, take part in the power of the atonement, and move on, move up, to freedom, redemption! It's beautiful!. In my sorrow in the kitchen with Adam that day as I was working through my pain, telling him I wanted to burn my struggles- write them down and literaly burn them, he said do you regret what has happened in your life? Would you change this? and I can't remember some of what he said but at the end he tagged on "I love everything about you!" That meant the world to me. He means the world to me. My todays and tomorrows are NOT held captive by my yesterdays. And many a yesterday will serve me well in teaching my babies hoe to come unto Christ and LIVE! REALLY LIVE!
I really love this life. And I learn better how to embrace and enjoy the work of it. Adam said mon how life is work but it doesn't have to be hard. Not hard work just work. He's right.
Ellie was still a little under from her crash MOn morning but she gopt better as the dat progressed. It was labor day so no school no work, we pulled weeds in the side yard, the girls learned some spanish from a book from the library, we painted the blue chicken coop brownm the kids found wild kittens behind the coop, it was a super fun day, then we had the blatters and alens over for dinner and it was soooo fun! Kids golf carted around. During the day Jena learned to run it by herself so she drove all over- 1st with hust her and mason then with the crowds- shich I didn't know but Adam oked it and then hank got bucked off and got a bloody nose but no huge casualties.....Anywho, made cookies, it was just a fabulous day! I ought to labor more often!
A few events fm the past weeks I'm not sure I journaled:
Jena was listeneing as we were reading scripture and I'm reading some of the things from my New Testiment church manual and she was amazed at some of it and said Wow, this manueal was a really great book. It has so much in it! This sweet princess is so wise beyond her years- so sweet and capable. She amazed me- they all do but she's the oldest and as I see her abilities unfold the older she gets it amazes me more and more. Truely God has saved His wisest and greatest for the last. And I will do my alll to teach them to serve Him well. No regrets!
Macy was playing connect 4 with Adam and was bossing him about where to put his checkers and he didn't listen and put it where he wanted to to once and she said, Don't dad! That makes me so sad!" Ohhhh too funny that fiesty goosy! Kay I'm off to make some pancakes and star a week of homeschool! I love it! Thanks for the ride God! I just love it!
paint kittens dinner with friends
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